The literary writer's lament

From poor poet to wealthy corporate web writer in 5 minutes? I don't think so! We often get letters from literary writers that, in essence, say:

• I want to succeed as a poet (or novelist or children's author or playwright).
• I have done a Masters in Creative Writing (or another literary degree).
• I need to earn some money so I suppose I should do some web writing (or PR writing or journalism or corporate communications).
• So how can I get a job as a well-paid corporate writer? Today? OK, tomorrow?
• I don't want to do any training because it costs money and anyway I already have a writing degree (or two), and anyway what could I possibly need to learn for a job that simple?
• Would it help if I went back to university for a more advanced literary degree?

I reply very politely to people who email me in this vein, because I too have been where they are—struggling to keep food on the table as a writer and wishing there was an easy way to use my manifest literary talents for a better cash return. I offer practical advice, too, because I know exactly what they can do to earn money as a corporate writer. Actually doing anything at all would be a good start.

But their letters still astonish me.

How would you reply?

Image: cover of Despair by Vladimir Nabokov, found on The Rap Sheet